The Bastard News In Focus: French Elections
Incumbent French President Nicolas Sarkozy and his bendy wife were banished from the spotlight of European politics last week following an election defeat at the hands of a competent bore.
Francois Hollande was the victor with 52% of the vote, and has promised and end to austerity.
Professor Alvin Svengoranerikson, of the Brussells-based lefty think tank the Reasonable Institute, said the change of direction could have impact on the Eurozone.
“I think we’re witnessing the beginning of a sea change in European politics, the first red ketchup blotches on a tablecloth of Conservative blue, if you will.
“It shows that people in Europe are tiring of the austerity agenda and favour measures such as taxes on higher earners to solve the… Oh, this is rubbish, isn’t it?
“I mean, without Sarko, European politics is going to be boring as sin. He was probably the only one of them I could have picked out of a lineup, with the exception of Angela Merkel’s ghastly mug.
“Ever since Silvio left, it’s been rubbish, like Taggart after Mark MacManus died. And now newspapers won’t even be able to distract us from the tedium of European politics by printing pictures of Carla Bruni’s nipples.”
Proffesor Svengoranerikson added: “And think of how brilliant it could have been. We could have had that pansexual reptile Strauss-Kahn.
“If he got in I would give it a week before he tried to force his penis into something unwilling or at least inappropriate, and turn the whole thing back into the sort of greasy cabaret we’ve come to expect.
“That would have been worth watching.”
April 30, 2012
The Bastard News In Focus: Grolar Bears
DEATH-DEALING monstrosities threatening Canadian civilisation are the product of beautiful interracial bear love, say experts.
The killer animals currently scourging the Northwest Territories are Grolar Bears - the hyperaggressive progeny of a polar and grizzly bear.
The biracial maneaters - which last week killed two hunters near Victoria Island in a manner described by a leading scientist as “harrowing, but so right” - have been becoming increasingly visible in northern parts of Canada.
Bearologist Dr Theseus McTavish explains: “A grizzly bear was probably drawn northwards by migrating caribou, whereupon it’s likely that it looked upon the soft snowy down of a trembling polar bear sow and imagined gently closing his massive mahogany paws over hers before growling to her in the universal language of steamy, hot, bear seduction.
“It probably sounded like a song by the popular singer Seal.
“Alternatively, a roaming polar male with some kind of jungle-bear fever may have gone south to get some ursine brown sugar.
“Whatever the case may be, it’s clear that the offspring has a long life of uncomfortable conversations at parties and other bears asking to touch its hair ahead of it.
“I expect it shall write a bestselling novel.”
Dr McTavish added: “Wouldn’t it have been amazing if a panda had joined in?”
April 30, 2012
Today’s Headlines, April 30th 2012
The Bastard News Editor-in-chief Charlemagne Jennifer-Lopez recovers from injuries received last year in charity boxing match with giant, metallic kitten.
Vows more in-depth, though probably more sporadic news coverage, at least until his short-term memory loss, sinesthesia and trick bowel are operated upon.
December 19, 2011
TODAY’S HEADLINES 19th December 2011
Free world shocked by loss of another hilarious, iredeemable pariah
“We’re fucked unless Gingrich becomes president” says expert
December 14, 2011
TODAY’S HEADLINES, 14th December 2011
Time magazine just getting lazy now
Obama speech marks the end of eternal war between vampires and lycans
Queen looking forward to rubbing it in our faces next year
December 7, 2011
TODAY’S HEADLINES, 7th Dec 2011
Scottish public transport system not even waiting for it to snow anymore before giving up the ghost completely
December 4, 2011
TODAY’S HEADLINES 4th December 2011
Early Russian poll results meaningless as long as Putin still has tanks
Makers of Hollywood film Cowboys and Aliens sued for plagiarism by group of five-year-old boys